Sorry (Not Sorry): 10 Components of a Complete Apology
[Reupload, original publication: May 2021]
We all love a classic YouTube influencer apology video, sometimes ironically and sometimes not so ironically. You can likely intuit that some apologies are more heartfelt, while others feel like PR stunts, and most times, we do a pretty good job at distinguishing which end of the spectrum a specific apology falls under. But what constitutes a good apology? And why is making that distinction so highly debated?
Let’s start with what’s probably the most redundant statement of all time: conflict is inevitable. But so is our tendency to avoid it. We often put in a lot of energy into finding ways that help us avoid clashing with others. And when conflict does find a way to sneak in between us, we lash out at one another, react defensively and act punitively. While on one hand, it is completely understandable that we lose ourselves in the heat of the moment, what we do after we de-escalate is what really counts. Do we remain defensive and label all calls for accountability “cancel culture” to vilify the survivors? Or do we take accountability and apologize? More often than not, public apologies tend to be the former but in a way that looks like the latter.
The subtle and dynamic nature of transgressions and apologies is so complex, psychologists have dedicated years to researching what it means to offer a good apology. Here is a list of 10 things to look out for in a complete and comprehensive apology:
1. Stating the apology for the transgression, a.k.a., actually saying “I’m sorry”
2. Naming the offence
3. Taking responsibility for the offence
This is the most obvious part. We start by saying we’re sorry, what we’re sorry for and why we’re sorry. This is the part most influencers get dead right (but most, unfortunately, don’t get further than this). But simply because it appears obvious doesn’t automatically mean it’s easy; after all, this is just the start.
Next, we have the points that are arguably the most difficult to do right. Not because they’re difficult to understand, but because they’re really quite hard to execute. They demand that we understand and process our own emotions beforehand, and then spend time empathizing with the people we hurt. In emphasizing authentic reflection as a prerequisite, we get to:
4. Explaining the offence, but not explaining it away
5. Conveying the emotions being felt
6. Addressing the emotional damage done to the other person
No more of the “I’m sorry you felt I wronged you” fluff. If we’re going for an apology, might as well go all the way, right?
Following this, we arrive at the point of potential repair. We’ve expressed our emotions, addressed the damage, said we’re sorry, but what's next? Offering to help fix things, naturally. Trust is a delicate thing and often takes a long time to rebuild once broken. But if we really want to get it back on track and strengthen the relationship to be even stronger than before, it takes work. It takes realizing that one apology won’t fix it, but rather acts as a start. It takes us owning up to our mistakes and saying we’ll do whatever we can to ensure a healthy relationship can be restored. It takes:
7. Admitting fault
8. Promise for forbearance
9. Offering repartition
And finally, the most essential part of rebuilding a strong and healthy relationship:
10. Requesting acceptance for the apology
For, the person at the receiving end owes nothing to the world and us, and deserves to be centred in the process of healing, should they choose to participate or not. As effective apologies aren’t about checking them off a list before continuing down the same path of harm and destruction, they’re about addressing the harm caused and taking accountability for it.
Sometimes the accountability looks like a prolonged process of healing, sometimes like giving up the positions of power we may have abused, and sometimes neither. However, in all this, one thing remains clear: growth doesn’t happen in isolation. So let’s rope in everybody and heal together, as a community, travelling our individual trajectories together. Plus bonus points if we can now recognize which stage of the apology chain David Dobrik and James Charles fell off at, because let’s face it — they totally did fall off!
Kirchhoff, J., Wagner, U., & Strack, M. (2012). Apologies: Words of magic? The role of verbal components, anger reduction, and offence severity. Peace and Conflict: Journal of Peace Psychology, 18(2), 109–130. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0028092
